Lynda Moore says don’t wait until someone is packing a bag and slamming the door at the exit yelling 'We’re Done!' to have the money conversation

“You are screwing with my life!” is not the best way to start any conversation, let alone one about money with your partner. Yet that is how many money conversations end up, after years of frustration with nowhere to go.

Over the years of working with couples and money, I’ve heard many different versions of that statement. 

I have also heard these conversations numerous times as well.  What’s that old saying, “If I had a $ for every time I heard XYZ, I’d be a wealthy man?” I think I would be too. 

Here goes scenario number 1. “I thought I was doing the right thing by supporting my wife and family, so she didn’t have to work.” This is what the husband told me after his 25-year marriage ended. That wasn’t what his wife wanted. She wanted some financial independence of her own. Neither knew how to say what they wanted, or ask what the other thought, until it was too late.

Scenario number 2. “I had no idea what was going on with our finances. I thought we were doing OK.” This from a wife whose husband ended the relationship. Only when their assets were divided did she discover things weren’t nearly as rosy as she believed.

I could continue with more scenarios, but I am sure you get where I am coming from. Two different stories, one theme: nobody was talking, and everybody was assuming.

Arguing about money is a warning sign, but silence is often worse. When money is never discussed, one person usually carries the worry alone. Many of us grew up in homes where money was taboo, and we brought our parents’ unspoken rules into our own relationships.

The first three minutes

Drs John and Julie Gottman have studied thousands of couples, and their work underpins my own work with couples. One striking finding: the way a conversation starts predicts how it ends, often within the first three minutes. A critical, blaming opening is a “harsh start-up” – and “You are screwing with my life!” is a textbook example.

The Gottmans also identified four patterns, the Four Horsemen, that predict a relationship is in trouble. All four turn up in money conversations:

• Criticism – “You’re hopeless with money.”
• Contempt – sarcasm and eyerolling: “Another ‘essential’ purchase?” This is the strongest predictor of separation.
• Defensiveness – “If you earned more, I wouldn’t need the credit card.”
• Stonewalling – the unopened bank statements, the “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Each has an antidote: a gentle start-up instead of criticism, a habit of appreciation instead of contempt, owning your part instead of defending, and a 20-minute break to calm down instead of shutting down. So rather than “You are screwing with my life!”, try: “I’m anxious about our money and don’t know where we stand. Can we look at it together this weekend?”

It’s never really about the money

The Gottman’s found that around 69% of relationship conflicts are “perpetual” they are rooted in differences of personality or values that never fully go away. Happy couples don’t resolve them all; they learn to talk about them with curiosity rather than hostility.

Money is the classic perpetual problem. One saver, one spender. One sees money as security, the other as freedom. Underneath sits what the Gottman’s call a “dream within conflict” (I love that term), a history, a hope or a fear. The partner insisting on a big savings buffer may have watched their parents lose everything.

That husband’s dream was to provide and protect. His wife’s was to stand on her own two feet. Both dreams could have lived in the same relationship; they just never got spoken aloud. When couples ask “What does money mean to you? What are you afraid of?”, the conversation changes completely.

Money is also easy to argue about.  Some of those arguments will genuinely be about money, but sometimes they are a mask for other deeper conversations that need to be had. I have seen this as well.  After the first session one partner refused to continue the coaching and just didn’t want to engage with any further money discussions.  I continued working with the other partner and we put some things in place so they could feel more financially secure (which is what they desperately needed) and in control of their own money.  A few months later, I had a phone call, it was the partner I worked with calling to say thank you.  I was a little surprised as I didn’t really think I had been able to help. But what had transpired with the passage of time, was the arguments about money had stopped.  In their place the couple were able to have deeper conversations about a major issue in the relationship that they had never been able to focus on.  Once those conversations were opened, with the help of counselling, they saved their relationship. 

Independence within togetherness

Can you be financially independent and in a relationship? Yes, and both of you need some. That might mean a joint account for shared costs and a personal account each, no questions asked. The right structure is whatever you both genuinely agree to.

The starting point is always the same: know your numbers, then talk about them. “Wow, this is so empowering, I am really starting to understand what is going on,” one client told me. She was tired of being told she spent too much when she’d never been shown the numbers. Once she could see them, the arguments lost their heat.

Starting the conversation

The Gottman’s suggest making money part of a regular, intentional “date” a relaxed conversation aimed at understanding, not winning. Choose a calm moment, not the day the credit card bill lands. Start gently, ask more than you tell, and listen for the dream behind your partner’s position. These can start out quite structured and transactional.  As you get into the groove, they became more about the future and the vision for your relationship. 

Don’t wait until someone is packing a bag and slamming the door as the exit yelling ‘We’re Done! to have the money conversation. 

*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.