By Elizabeth Davies
I’m not a mother, and fingers crossed, I won’t be for another five years at least.
That being said, I’m a 23 year old woman and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about my future and how kids fit into it.
There’s two or three of them (kids), with his eyes and my nose, little blank canvases to love and teach and desperately hope you don’t screw up.
It wasn’t so long ago that women were expected to stay at home, raise the children, put dinner on the table and shine as domestic goddesses.
They were expected to live up to a fifties sitcom ideal, collect his briefcase, bake him treats, and keep his children quiet. Careers were to be cast aside when children came, or simply never pursued in the first place.
Then things changed.
Feminists flooded the world with ‘Girl Power’ and encouraged women to embrace their right to ‘have it all’.
New Zealand became a place where a woman could run a business, and a household with minimal judgements being made by others on this decision. In fact the woman would be admired for doing so.
I can’t help but look up to these women.
They refuse to sacrifice one love for another and often manage to bring home the bacon, and then cook it, with a grace and dignity any man would struggle to emulate.
The reality is, however, that not everyone can strike that balance, and not everyone wants to.
There was a time when women who chose career over family were considered cold, selfish and distinctly unfeminine. Their very womanhood was questioned due to the lack of baby on hip. Times have changed.
Recently I’ve found that it’s not men making judgements on women, nor is it their expectations we are concerned about.
I recently told a university friend that I ideally wanted to be a stay-at-home mum, at least until my kids were settled in school.
Her reaction was not only unexpected but a bit hurtful, and left me questioning how free from judgement women really are when it comes to making decisions about motherhood.
Her judgement was written all over her face and her responding, ‘Oh, but don’t you want more than that?’ was heavy with disappointment. She couldn’t grasp the concept that no, I didn’t want more than that. For me, children have always been on the top of the list.
I immediately felt self-conscious as if she thought me lazy, or stupid or that I lacked aspiration.
I was left a bit stunned and almost speechless. Is motherhood not enough?
It’s the hardest job anyone could ever have, taking the responsibility for another life.
Is that not to be respected as a primary occupation rather than a secondary tag line?
In order to gain respect must I first introduce myself as Elizabeth Davies the journalist, and later mutter a small, ‘oh yes and I also have children’.
I’m aware that the stay-at-home mum is becoming a fading dream.
For the vast majority of people it’s not financially possible.
That being said I’ll guarantee thousands of mothers would happily quit their day jobs for the reassurance that they will be the first ones to hear their child’s first words, witness their first steps, and attend every special event, if their income allowed.
I may not have children now, but when I do I really hope that my personal value is not based on my job title or my ability to financially provide for my family.
Parenthood is not only an identity, it’s a job. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do - dirty, exhausting, unpaid, and the very definition of full time.
The benefits, however, will far outshine your fat pay cheque. A life of worry yes, but also, if nothing else, a legacy of love.
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*Elizabeth Davies is a 23 year old post-graduate journalism student at Auckland University of Technology. She lives with her partner in Epsom and spends her free time refurbishing vintage furniture and attempting to bake while fighting a daily battle against her bank balance. She writes a weekly article for interest.co.nz on money matters and financial struggles from a young person's perspective.
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