Lynda Moore warns about securing comfort at the expense of happiness when you try to 'marry well'. Strategic dating shouldn't result in you sacrificing your hard-won autonomy

I can’t resist a good headline when I’m scrolling through my Google feed, so when this one popped up from The Telegraph I had to read on.

The women joining high-end gyms for a month – to find a rich husband

What! Really! I do remember Dad saying to me somewhat tongue in cheek, when I was in my teens, that I should marry a rich farmer.  I have several friends who come from farming families, and I know that what Dad was suggesting is quite a long way from the reality for most farming families.

I decided this wasn’t quite the plan for me, for a start, at the time, I didn’t even own a pair of gumboots, I lived in the city so the chance of finding a ‘rich farmer’ were probably pretty low. So, I became an accountant and married a policeman instead, but that is a whole different story for another day.

Back to the headline. It’s easy to assume that modern women have left behind the days of marrying for money, but have they really? Yes, and No.

While we may no longer be packing our corsets for a summer at the country estate in the hopes of charming a titled suitor, the essence of the game hasn’t entirely changed. From the drawing rooms of Regency England to the cocktail lounges of Auckland, there's a familiar thread: sometimes, love looks suspiciously like a lifestyle upgrade.

Back in the day (think Downtown Abbey or Bridgerton), aristocrats didn’t marry for love—they married to merge fortunes, preserve bloodlines, or acquire more land (and sheep). Daughters were groomed for strategic unions, and romance? That was reserved for the novels they hid under their embroidery hoops. A family’s survival could hinge on the right match, and marrying “well” was as much a career move as it was a personal decision. The man with the title but no money, didn’t have much choice either, they needed to marry ‘money’ to keep the title going.  No pressure, but the happy couple were both also expected to produce a male heir.

Fast forward to now, and while women thankfully have more agency (and their own careers), the desire for financial security hasn’t vanished—it’s just shape-shifted. Many women want to create that financial security for themselves.  But according to the article in The Telegraph there are young people who want to ‘marry rich and live well’.

These days, the country club has been swapped for the luxury gym. No longer is it a dance card you’re hoping to fill, it’s the squat rack (wearing Lululemon of course) next to the man with the Apple Watch Ultra. (Yes, I am being a tad sexist here but humour me.) The modern matchmaking playbook apparently, includes monthly passes to boutique gyms, memberships to networking groups, and very strategic grocery runs in certain postcodes.

I’m not here to judge. In fact, it’s almost refreshing to see the bold honesty. For every woman quietly hoping to meet someone in a yoga class who has a mortgage and minimal emotional damage; there’s another laughing with her girlfriends about booking a co-working space “in the right part of town.” Because who knows—next to the Oat milk and a laptop charger, love (or at least a solid pre-nup) might be waiting.

In New Zealand, there’s a slightly more laid-back spin on this story. You won’t find many dukes or hedge fund managers lingering at F45, but the same sentiment exists. It might be the lawyer ordering a $8 flat white in Ponsonby or the tech founder buying artisan cheese at the farmers’ market, people notice. We all know those cafés where one casually hopes to strike up a conversation, ideally with someone whose job title includes the word "founder" or "partner."

By the way, those on the lookout for love (and money) are not just girls.  Guys are also strategically looking too.  Some call it gold-digging, others call it strategic dating.

But before anyone starts planning their weekly schedule around gym classes and gallery openings, here’s the catch: even if you marry rich, the fairy tale isn’t guaranteed. History is full of women who secured comfort but sacrificed autonomy. Today’s savvy dater wants both, financial security and personal fulfilment, ideally with someone who doesn’t call their mother three times a day or make you sign an NDA before brunch.

At the heart of it all is a very human desire: to feel safe, to thrive, and to dream a little bigger than the monthly budget allows, and there is nothing wrong with that.

So, whether you find your match through a shared Pilates class or a surprisingly flirty seminar on AI, remember, there’s no shame in wanting a partner who’s financially stable. Just don’t lose yourself (or your own goals) in the process.

Because yes, history shows that marrying well can be a ticket to comfort. But building a life on your own terms? That’s still the real jackpot.

Right, I’m off to Connings Food Market, who knows who I might meet between the broccoli and the fresh meat section.   

*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.