We probably all need a little humour to get us through

Take time to have a laugh regularly, even when the going gets tough. And if you know a good one, share it with our readers

29th Mar 20, 1:18pm by David Chaston

OK. We are now realising that four weeks is a long time.

And today's news of our first death makes it very sobering.

We will need a lot of patience, taking the restrictions seriously. And we will need to try hard with 'willful kindness'.

A little humour will probably help too.

So this page is here for you to share Covid-19 and coronavirus humour.

Yes, I know, the situation from the virus itself, and the distressing economic and social fallout is no joke, it is serious and even a deadly business.

But a little humour might help all the same.

Here is one to start: the definition of Irony: when the Year of the Rat starts with a plague.

Or, Mexico is asking Trump to hurry up and build the wall NOW! (And they might now actually pay for it! H/T GV.)

Over to you in the comment section below.

(Please keep it basically clean, and no racism in any guise.)

Also, we are planning to start another page for Kids Jokes, so you can help them with a bit of humour too.

We welcome your comments below. If you are not already registered, please register to comment

Remember we welcome robust, respectful and insightful debate. We don't welcome abusive or defamatory comments and will de-register those repeatedly making such comments. Our current comment policy is here.

53 Comments

by Pragmatist | 29th Mar 20, 1:31pm 1585441894

Q:Why does coronavirus cause toilet paper shortages?
A: One person sneezes, and 100 people s*** themselves.

by RickStrauss | 29th Mar 20, 6:06pm 1585458392

Q: What's the best thing about pandemic jokes?

A: Everyone gets them!

by Foxglove. | 29th Mar 20, 1:37pm 1585442265

The Irish will be concerned if the cases keep Dublin.

by Zachary Smith | 29th Mar 20, 1:44pm 1585442682

Is this okay?

Sh%ts getting real

by David Chaston | 29th Mar 20, 1:45pm 1585442704

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, now when I pee I clean the toilet.

by Fritz | 29th Mar 20, 1:46pm 1585442802

Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Mr Muldoon's prices

A pretty lame 'joke' that did the rounds in the playgrounds of NZ circa late 1970s /1980.
Anyone else remember that one?

Monty Python is always good. Farcical comedy for farcical times.

by Davo36 | 29th Mar 20, 1:59pm 1585443593

Always look on the bright side of life!
Life's a piece of s**t when you look at it!
Always look on the bright side of life!

by Noncents | 29th Mar 20, 2:05pm 1585443903

Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she is my wife. She seems nice.

by Noncents | 29th Mar 20, 2:08pm 1585444131

John Travolta reported he had Chills and they are multiplying.

Doctors have now confirmed it is NOT Corona virus, rather a case of Saturday Night fever. They have confirmed he will be Stayin' alive.

by bw | 29th Mar 20, 2:58pm 1585447138

After 4 weeks of Isolation I'm either going to weigh 10 kgs less and have completed a dozen worthwhile projects or weigh 10 kgs more and have a nasty drinking problem....

by Foxglove. | 29th Mar 20, 2:11pm 1585444290

Re-float from days back if I may indulge. Explains the challenges presented to both the medical staff and patients alike. Spike Milligan at Bexhill camp circa 1941. Lunch in the mess tent. Serves up boiled potatoes, boiled peas, boiled sausages. The Medical Officer walks in amongst the tables and asks “any complaints?” Up pipes one private “yes sir, me sir, I’ve got piles.” Says the MO “that’s bloody strange, everyone else has got sausages.”

by maninavan | 29th Mar 20, 2:25pm 1585445102

by SmoKey | 29th Mar 20, 2:22pm 1585444936

Seems one of the symptoms is loss of sense of taste. So I am eating something every hour, to test I am okay.
Have to order bigger and stronger furniture though.

by mogador | 29th Mar 20, 2:23pm 1585445003

A bit sick maybe but this is the current top "covid joke" on twitter:

https://twitter.com/JuddLegum/status/1242422188701102081

Jeff Bezos is a funny guy.

by SmoKey | 29th Mar 20, 2:23pm 1585445005

Now I know why toilet papers are flying off the shelves.
People are self isolating themselves in the toilet.

by Nzdan | 29th Mar 20, 3:10pm 1585447854

F**k sake I just took my grandmother some food but forgot to film myself handing it to her, what a waste of time.

by powerdownkiwi | 29th Mar 20, 3:17pm 1585448265

humourst be joking David

and one from the gypsy family staying with us till whenever:

Armageddon closer.........

by Shoreman | 29th Mar 20, 4:24pm 1585452262

Found this on FB
Day 4 - struck up a conversation with a spider in the bathroom turns out he's a Web designer too...

by Squishy | 29th Mar 20, 4:25pm 1585452304

German people are panic buying Sausages and Cheese. They are well prepared for a Wurst Käse scenario.

...I'll get my coat.

by Rosenstein | 29th Mar 20, 5:56pm 1585457797

Ich lol'd

by Keen Observer | 30th Mar 20, 9:31am 1585513886

In embarrassment, Govt. latest Covid-19 announcement:
We forgot to add NZ Landlords as collectively 'providing essential services' for all NZers.

by triffid3 | 29th Mar 20, 4:55pm 1585454156

"Spare a thought for the foregotten victims of this crisis. - burglers" a headline in Daily Telegraph

by profile | 29th Mar 20, 5:23pm 1585455795

How does one harvest a dope patch in a lock down? Asking for a friend.

by Korki | 29th Mar 20, 5:58pm 1585457928

With a bag full of food, a packet of zig zags and a lighter?

by Kate | 29th Mar 20, 5:28pm 1585456114

It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053 when John woke up and had to go to the bathroom. But this was no ordinary day for John!! This was the day he would open the last packet of toilet paper his parents bought in the year 2020.

by Glitzy | 29th Mar 20, 6:15pm 1585458923

The NZ Herald has reported that Simon Bridges has the Wuhan virus. When asked for comment Bridges replied he's been taking everything he can get from China for many years.

by Smalltown | 29th Mar 20, 9:20pm 1585470004

https://amp.reddit.com/r/newzealand/comments/d2ly9f/famous_chinese_brid…

by Korki | 29th Mar 20, 5:56pm 1585457765

From the herald sideswipe...

This Coronavirus is hard on the workforce, but especially hard on men!

we lose $1 for every $0.79 women lose

by Rosenstein | 29th Mar 20, 5:56pm 1585457762

Stand in solidarity with anorexics: Flatten the curve

by Foreign buyer | 29th Mar 20, 6:36pm 1585460215

Trump found to be immune to COVID-19 after admitting to a 100 vitamin C pill a day addiction. Explains alot.... Trumpalumparlumpetydoo

by DaveB1978 | 29th Mar 20, 9:13pm 1585469583

Relax... we are doing great

by Smalltown | 29th Mar 20, 9:21pm 1585470083

A plane with 5 passengers on board -- Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Jacinda Adern, the Pope and a 10-year-old schoolgirl -- is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump says "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and I'm needed to solve the pandemic!" He takes one parachute and jumps. Johnson says ‘I’m needed to sort out the COVID-19 mess in to Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope says, "The world's Catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear." He takes one and jumps. "You can have the last parachute," Jacinda says to the 10-year-old. "I've lived a good part of my life. Yours is only just starting." The little girl replies: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my school bag."

I thought we needed a good laugh!!!

by Kate | 29th Mar 20, 11:47pm 1585478861

Best in show so far!

by printer8 | 29th Mar 20, 11:51pm 1585479106

Smalltown; very sadly only a joke.
Cheers

by TuaWai Smith | 30th Mar 20, 6:25am 1585502749

frigging awesome

by Camel's back | 29th Mar 20, 10:10pm 1585473046

At school little Johnny is asked to make up a sentence with the word, contagious in it..
"Well" johnny goes, "this morning on the way to school we saw an overturned truck that was carrying apples, apples everywhere, and my Dad said it will take some contagious to pick them all up".

by Foreign buyer | 29th Mar 20, 6:35pm 1585460122

Take

by bw | 29th Mar 20, 8:18pm 1585466321

takeagious to pick them all up? Oh....I see....

by Yvil | 30th Mar 20, 9:33am 1585514012

by powerdownkiwi | 29th Mar 20, 7:09pm 1585462194

Somebody just pointed out that our supermarkets are strangely apocalyptic:

Countdown and New World.....

by Ludwig | 29th Mar 20, 7:32pm 1585463549

Guy in Venezuela says to his mate: “Man, if we hadn’t already destroyed our economy, we would really be in the s**t now. Lucky..”

by youngdumbandbroke | 29th Mar 20, 7:43pm 1585464206

I'm a bit disappointed. I was hoping for a zombie apocalypse not a virus

by Pragmatist | 29th Mar 20, 7:53pm 1585464816

Wait till the coffee runs out...

by youngdumbandbroke | 29th Mar 20, 9:33pm 1585470787

Please no. I'll be the first to turn

by Dale Smith | 29th Mar 20, 8:20pm 1585466433

I used to cough to hide a fart, now I fart to hide a cough.

by wirehunt | 29th Mar 20, 11:06pm 1585476364

What lives but is not alive?

Virus

by Yvil | 30th Mar 20, 9:29am 1585513770

Great idea David, I bet the best pandemic joke will go viral ; )

by bryanw | 30th Mar 20, 10:36am 1585517818

Muldoon's most famous quip is worth repeating: "Every New Zealander that emmigrates to Australia increases the average intelligence of both countries".

by solardb | 30th Mar 20, 3:54pm 1585536876

Are sex workers still allowed to give elbowjobs ?

by linklater01 | 30th Mar 20, 7:05pm 1585548320

It's not that funny, but can I assume that No anti-vaxxers will accept a vaccine when one is made?

If you want a really sick joke-it's got to be Trump.

by Davo36 | 31st Mar 20, 2:11pm 1585617094

Yes, and then it will be necessary for everyone to prove they are OK. And you can't be out without proof of vaccination.

by Randomman | 31st Mar 20, 10:18am 1585603116

Fireman on the news said that people should stay off the DIY around the house during lock down.

Well you'll have to pry my cold bloody fingers from inside my skillsaw guard before that happens!

by GB | 6th Apr 20, 8:25am 1586118302

Coronavirus Rhapsody :)
https://youtu.be/8KPbJ0-DxTc