This Relationship is Over! We can all say things in the heat of the moment, and then live to regret them later.
Why am I talking about this now? Anecdotally, mid-January and into February is when family lawyers get very busy with the relationships that have limped through the Christmas break.
And according to social media surveys, for dating relationships break up day is 11 December. Why? The thought of meeting your partners family is just too much, or you just don’t want to invest in a gift for them!
So, before you utter those words (either before or after Christmas) and storm out the door to see if the grass is really greener on the other side, here are 7 key points to consider.
- Is this relationship really over? Have you done everything you can to try and work through your issues and try to reconnect? Yes, there are some situations that there is no going back from, but in many cases, counselling can really make a difference.
- Take a financial reality check. If you are the leaver review your financial situation before you pack your bags. There is no guarantee that you will enjoy the same lifestyle once you leave the relationship. Are you in a position financially to set up your own home and support yourself? Or you may find yourself having to support two homes. If you are the one being left, then getting on top of your finances as quickly as possible is crucial. There is a tendency for you to want life to carry on as usual while you deal with the hurt, but that may just not be possible from a financial perspective.
- The relationship is over, but the financial connections can take much longer to sort out. You need to know what you own, what you owe, and where you are joined at the hip. If you have joint bank accounts, are you going to continue to contribute to them to pay joint bills? What about credit cards and utilities who is taking responsibility for paying them? Yes, you are jointly responsible, but the last thing you want is your ex-partner clearing out joint accounts or racking up credit card bills that you have to pay.
- If you own a home together who is going to stay and who is going to leave? If you stay, can you continue to pay the mortgage? Selling the home is a huge decision and not made lightly, particularly if there are children involved as you want to give them as much stability as you can. But there is no point in hanging onto the house for grim death, if you can’t afford to live in it, pay all the bills and still put food on the table. Research and take advice from both the real estate and financial perspective and work out from a non-emotive point of view what is going to be best for you.
- If you have been a stay-at-home parent, you may be entitled to spousal maintenance (alimony), but this isn’t designed to keep you for the rest of your life. Re-entering the workforce and starting to forge your own career is a reality you need to come to terms with and plan for. There are plenty of HR and career advisers only too willing to offer advice and support about retraining and getting back to work.
- You have made the decision that the relationship is over, there is no going back. Before you leave is the time to seek legal advice from a specialist. You don’t know what you don’t know, and it is best to find out what the likely path is before you take it. If you are on the receiving end and have been left, getting legal advice as soon as possible is really important for you as well. You need to know what you are entitled to and what the process is.
- The relationship is over, and you have moved on to your new life. Don’t take your baggage with you, either personal or financial. As Joel Osteen said, the problem with going from an old relationship to a new, is you take yourself with you!
If you are wondering whether to stay or go, don't overlook the financial aspects of your relationship.
*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.
11 Comments
Best practice: Nurture your relationship and reflect regularly on yourself, your partner, and how you work together. Regular communication and practice of these points will help navigate the way forwards and hopefully prevent reaching the scenario above fingers crossed.
Have seen many people use selection criteria for choosing their spouses which lead to outcomes that are undesirable.
In order to reduce the chances of relationship outcomes that are undesirable, people should get informed and choose selection criteria that lead to better relationship outcomes.
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/common-causes-divorce/
So many idealistic views in the comments, some of which sound like they're from people who have not experienced it...
Lets be real... 70% of divorces ARE initiated by women, If you're a man, you're seriously on the back foot in terms of grieving + preparation and need a lawyer like yesterday... even with a prenup as they get thrown out nowadays quite often in the libertarian western world
You're also in for a lot of shocks as to how family law treats men, you're basically an ATM from here on out... and will likely get at least 50% of your stuff taken away from you AND possibly be liable for ongoing child support, spousal support and occupational rent if you stay in the home (even if paying the mortgage)
If you're lucky with children you will get 50/50, but don't bet on that as child support is based on custodial time as well as '(no) relationship' incomes - so not only lose 50% of stuff but still have to pay for years to come,
I mean how many women pay men these claims?... not many, if any...
If you're unlucky she will file a domestic violence claim (which requires no evidence) which basically kicks you out of the house immediately and can result in a restraining order being placed on you just for kicks....child custody will then turn against you and you will be forced to pay IRD much higher child support payment and get to see you're kids for much less than 50/50 and may need to have supervised 'visitation' with your kids because now your labelled as 'violent' - again based on just an accusation/ affidavit (sworn testimony to a JP)
In my opinion the NZ Family Law system is broken and fraught with bad behaviour with absolutely no burden of proof required. There are basically no penalties for those who abuse the system and use it as a weapon against their exes i.e. false DV claims... by then the damage is done and very hard to undo...
It's far too easy to make some ones life a misery and create lasting damage with little or no proof at all and people are financially incentivised to do so
I have been through this, more than once, so I do know what it is like.
So, yes if my suggestions are a bit idealistic, I make no apology for that, if we can take action on our relationship before it gets to the point of no return then we have a chance to save it.
It just takes one of us to say, we have a problem, let's get some help, early than before we are heading out the door
It's unfortunate - yes, but as stated above women initiate 70-80% of divorces...
Sometimes they plan or grieve the divorce months or years before doing it - talking it over with her committee of friends or family, often with a clueless husband who gets shocked during the announcement... everyone loves a good drama, except most men...
In my case she simply clammed up and wouldn't talk about issues - so nothing meaningful to her got discussed or resolved... So communication and trust in the other person is key, but it's clear that's a two way street... Clamming up and avoiding difficult conversations solves nothing - and only lets it fester and infect your mindset even further at which point the noise from outside the relationship will only get louder...
Saying that I had a good run >16yrs and 2 beautiful daughters so I'm thankful... but disappointed it reverted to this in the end...
Statistically in the western world ~50% of first marriages fail, ~70-80% of 2nd marriages fail and for 3rd or more its >90% failure rate, so clearly it doesn't get better with practice... statistically speaking
There is a reason that the suicide rate is 2-9x higher for men following divorce (depending on which study)... the highest risk groups are men primarily consisting of young maori youths and middle age Europeans
Mental health is crucial and this is the time to lean on your friends and family to get you through what is the 2nd highest stressor for people - especially for men
If I were to change 2x things to make it better, I would say:
1. Defaulting to 50/50 shared custody of children and having to argue from that standpoint - children need both parents! unless their lifestyle/ behaviour puts the children at risk
2. Implementing a burden of proof in family law - far too much bad behaviour stems from simple allegations, which have VERY serious second and third order consequences.... which can push people past their breaking points and to take permanent steps to temporary problems
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