By Elizabeth Davies
I’m not a mother, and fingers crossed, I won’t be for another five years at least.
That being said, I’m a 23 year old woman and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about my future and how kids fit into it.
There’s two or three of them (kids), with his eyes and my nose, little blank canvases to love and teach and desperately hope you don’t screw up.
It wasn’t so long ago that women were expected to stay at home, raise the children, put dinner on the table and shine as domestic goddesses.
They were expected to live up to a fifties sitcom ideal, collect his briefcase, bake him treats, and keep his children quiet. Careers were to be cast aside when children came, or simply never pursued in the first place.
Then things changed.
Feminists flooded the world with ‘Girl Power’ and encouraged women to embrace their right to ‘have it all’.
New Zealand became a place where a woman could run a business, and a household with minimal judgements being made by others on this decision. In fact the woman would be admired for doing so.
I can’t help but look up to these women.
They refuse to sacrifice one love for another and often manage to bring home the bacon, and then cook it, with a grace and dignity any man would struggle to emulate.
The reality is, however, that not everyone can strike that balance, and not everyone wants to.
There was a time when women who chose career over family were considered cold, selfish and distinctly unfeminine. Their very womanhood was questioned due to the lack of baby on hip. Times have changed.
Recently I’ve found that it’s not men making judgements on women, nor is it their expectations we are concerned about.
I recently told a university friend that I ideally wanted to be a stay-at-home mum, at least until my kids were settled in school.
Her reaction was not only unexpected but a bit hurtful, and left me questioning how free from judgement women really are when it comes to making decisions about motherhood.
Her judgement was written all over her face and her responding, ‘Oh, but don’t you want more than that?’ was heavy with disappointment. She couldn’t grasp the concept that no, I didn’t want more than that. For me, children have always been on the top of the list.
I immediately felt self-conscious as if she thought me lazy, or stupid or that I lacked aspiration.
I was left a bit stunned and almost speechless. Is motherhood not enough?
It’s the hardest job anyone could ever have, taking the responsibility for another life.
Is that not to be respected as a primary occupation rather than a secondary tag line?
In order to gain respect must I first introduce myself as Elizabeth Davies the journalist, and later mutter a small, ‘oh yes and I also have children’.
I’m aware that the stay-at-home mum is becoming a fading dream.
For the vast majority of people it’s not financially possible.
That being said I’ll guarantee thousands of mothers would happily quit their day jobs for the reassurance that they will be the first ones to hear their child’s first words, witness their first steps, and attend every special event, if their income allowed.
I may not have children now, but when I do I really hope that my personal value is not based on my job title or my ability to financially provide for my family.
Parenthood is not only an identity, it’s a job. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do - dirty, exhausting, unpaid, and the very definition of full time.
The benefits, however, will far outshine your fat pay cheque. A life of worry yes, but also, if nothing else, a legacy of love.
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*Elizabeth Davies is a 23 year old post-graduate journalism student at Auckland University of Technology. She lives with her partner in Epsom and spends her free time refurbishing vintage furniture and attempting to bake while fighting a daily battle against her bank balance. She writes a weekly article for interest.co.nz on money matters and financial struggles from a young person's perspective.
12 Comments
With both of my children I worked right up until their due date and returned to work, weeks after they were born - it was simply necessary as we could not manage on one salary. I did this when it wasn't condsidered normal for women, everyone was judgemental "I must be mad, the kids will go off the rails when they are older" they all said - even the plunket nurse! Did any of them think it was an easy decison for me? - It definately wasn't but there was little choice. Several years later my marriage broke up and I found myself with two kids in childcare, on one salary and being told by WINZ there was no help for me to keep working and I would be better off on the benefit than working and paying for childcare on my own. I sold almost everything I owned to keep on working (I definately didn't want to accept that I had no other option), now years later -the kids are pretty amazing - in Uni and I am so very proud of the compassionate caring and intelligent adults they have become. Yes it would have been so wonderful to be at home with them when they were young but there should be no guilt in working hard, being a loving parent, setting a good example and bringing them up to be good people - regardless of if you stayed at home with them or not.
Well done, you should be really proud of what you've achieved. Why should mothers be dependant on men or the state. That is one big reason why I am working to keep my career ticking along so that whatever happens I am in a position to provide for myself and my children. Seeing their mother working sets a fantastic example for your children.
Maybar: Seeing their mother working sets a fantastic example for your children. You are referring only to paid work? Seeing their mother working in unpaid work also sets a fantastic example for your children. Many 'stay at home mothers' are valuable contributors to the volunteer sectors - community/playcentre/school/sports committees etc.
I agree wholeheartedly with Elizabeth's sentiments. My experience is that women can be the harshest critics of other women. Rather than respecting a woman's right to choose to stay at home many others are critical. It is especially noticeable in 'career focused' women in my experience.
Stay strong Elizabeth, it is your right to choose. Being a stay at home mum enabled me to live a life and have experiences I could never have had if I had chosen paid employment. Everyones situation is different - there is no right nor wrong - just what is right or wrong for you.
Views from the Northern Hemisphere may have a place in the discussion?
Sorry, but being a mother is not the most important job in the world
It's time to drop the slogan. It encourages mothers to stay socially and financially hobbled, it alienates fathers and discourages other significant relationships between children and adults Read More
A funnier theme, in respect of who works hardest:
Sound the idiot klaxon – Prince Charles and Tom Cruise are hard at work
For the sake of humanity, the unthinking way in which the very privileged boast of their hard graft needs to be called out Read more
I have no doubt that working parents raise kids just as well as parents who choose/are able to have a parent stay home. My arguement is merely that it should be a personal choice that everyone can make feeling confident that they won't be judged either way. I'm saying their should be no guilt either way, but their should be freedom to make the choice. Regards, Elizabeth
"That being said I’ll guarantee thousands of mothers/fathers would happily quit their day jobs for the reassurance that they will be the first ones to hear their child’s first words, witness their first steps, and attend every special event, if their income allowed."
Fixed.
Totaly failed to acheive what I wanted financially/career wise. Got 5 healthy, well rounded, highly educated and empathetic kids, and got to see and be involved in most of their growing up. And they are even trying to emulate that with the mokopuna.
Unfortunately, many young men are not aiming high enough in their studies & jobs/businesses - so they can offer their future wife a good financial foundation, a home, & good career prospects. Which, if their wife chooses, means that the couple has the option of one of them being the child-carer, or even comfortably having kids in the first place .... medium term planning can be useful.
Then they wake up in their 30's ....
Interesting view point...or maybe its interesting you have such a fancyiful viewpoint. I dont half wonder if the advertising bombardment of the last 50 years hasnt actually "infected" us with this un-realistic view and expectation of how the world should be. 24/7/365 like a Movie. Guess it depends on what you mean by "high enough" but really the average IQ is 100 I think....that means lots of non-high flyers....who just want a job....
Going to come somewhat un-stuck of course....all of us. then you might find those 100IQers who are tradesmen etc actually have a skill base thats useful in a simpler world, while "high flyers" pull carrots their skills no longer applicable.
regards
Hmmm I'm reading this and I'm understanding why you would want to stay home - I'm torn between the two. I love the idea of these new-age mums that are at home and yet still working part-time as business owners, still creatiing and evolving their own abilities AND there is something to be said for a child seeing their parents being active in their own careers aswel! Swwoooonn that looks like my fill!!!
A bit of backstory, I'm 26, Female, married to an understanding husband with a dog and zero dependants - yet. I was born in 1987. My mum had me at 30. Shes had a 30+ years career working in different management roles in various government departments. She put both me and my older brother in full-time childcare after 6 months of maternity leave. She was the primary earner out of her and my dad and she wanted to go back to work after having us - my dad on the other hand would've liked for her to be at home with us.
I've thought about this alot and I really admire her for the sacrifices she made in order to go back to work and support us as a family. I've wondered if the time away from us caused issues for me and my brotherbut to be honest it just makes me proud of her - I think it manifested more in her in the form of guilt but that was probably from how other people made her feel about her choices. At school holidays we were the kids in school holiday programs for one week and both mum and dad would take turns having a week off in each termbreak - to give you an idea they worked REALLY HARD we only went on our first overseas family holiday when I was 21!)
Looking back the time my parents spent with me was more quality time - they made the effort to spend time playing with us, teaching us once they were home and bedtime stories were the norm, and they never missed a sports game.
In no way do I think stay at home mother's are bad or that to aspire to be one is not enough but sometimes I have to wonder if the other role of housekeeper takes priority over time spent developing a childs abilities? How many mothers actually will research enough about the cognitive capabilities of a 3 year old in order to help progress their own child?
To add I think there's something to be said in a person spending 3-4 years of their life training as an early child-hood teacher, their knowledge and perhaps detachment from the child make it easier for them to ascertain and judge a childs needs from a learning/ abilities perspecive.
I think a combination of both part-time childcare and being at home would probably be best. Childcare provides valuable social skills and interactions with other children and adluts outside of the family unit + starting children young will prepare them for their eventual lead into primary - without the tears and tantrums at the gate.
I want children and I'm forever being asked by family and friends when they are coming. Its depressing that it is so openly discussed and expected at MY age! I want the career, I want the children (later) and I want to be financially secure at a young age. I'm also looking for a career path that enriches my life and fills me with something more than just a healthy bank balance at the end of the week. Hmm I think I want i all? But in what order? And can I have them all at the same time? Can anyone dish the truth being in this situation?
Wow so many questions, by the time you've finished answering its all gonna be over.
In the famous words of the Blood Hound Gang, just " do it like they do on the discovery channel". Love that song.
Reality, absolutely no one is ever financially secure enough to have kids.
As to the early childhood teaching, stuff that, that's my job I'd never let some else have all that fun and I don't think the teachers are all that crash hot anyway.
I can understand everything you're feeling, and I'm three years younger than you. It seems to me that you and I both want it all, and shouldn't feel guilty for going after it. I won't argue that I have any idea what the best way of raising kids is but I guess that's my point. It should be a personal decision. I don't think working parents raise better kids, or stay at home parents do either. All I'm suggesting is that their should be a freedom of choice for every parent. Regards, Elizabeth
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