Lynda Moore on how to resist the urge to match what others appear to have more of

In last weeks article, I talked about stepping off the hedonic treadmill and how an important part of doing that was to stop comparing ourselves to the Jones’s and keeping up appearances.

So, I thought this week we would delve a little deeper into both of these concepts.

I’ve been scrolling through looking for a bit of light-hearted entertainment, and the British sitcom Keeping up Appearances, about Hyacinth Bucket’s (or Bouquet, as she prefers to be known) mission to impress everyone has popped up.  It still makes me laugh even though it is quite an old show.  But, as we know, real life and the drive to keep up appearances, has another not so nice side, and that’s mounting debt and the stress that comes with it.

When it comes to money, there is a lot of Keeping Up Appearances going on, especially during an economic downturn.

A change in circumstances can often cause this to happen. The loss of a job, business downturn or a relationship breakdown. The money just isn’t there, but you don’t want to let those in your social circle know that you’re not as flush as you once were.

So, you carry on doing what you have been doing, and hope things will sort themselves out. The reality is often they don’t, and you end up going from bad to worse, which results in more debt, and that can be hard to come back from. Particularly if you add the emotions of shame and guilt into the equation.

Keeping Up Appearances with your money is something that affects all income earners, from those on minimum wage to the high rollers. It’s all about meeting the expectations of others and your perception of how you want to be seen by others. Rather than focusing on your own values and what is ‘enough’ for you.

Keeping Up Appearances is closely aligned with Keeping Up with the Joneses.  You peer over your neighbour’s fence and the green monster awakens in you.  This can be driven by the, “I work hard so I deserve to have anything I want (whether I can afford it or not)” thought process or spending solely to maintain your social status.

The problem is, both phenomena are putting your own financial wellbeing in jeopardy, which is a bit crazy when you have no idea of the circumstances in other peoples’ lives.  For all you know the Joneses are broke too!

It’s not easy being parents either.  It’s hard to be the “bad guy” and have to tell your children they can’t do all the activities they want or have the latest cool tech gadgets and fad clothes. After all, you don’t want to feel as if you are letting your children down. Then there is the fear of what they might say to their friends, which then gets back to their parents and so the cycle continues.

We want to be able to give our children the best of everything, it may be to compensate for what we didn’t get as children or that’s what our parents did for us. But there are times and circumstances when that just isn’t possible.

To counter this, have an age-appropriate money conversation with them. You don’t need to pull out spreadsheets or discuss your household finances, but you can engage them in the process of changing spending behaviours and be honest with them about why. Start with the big picture family values Why, not the ‘we can’t afford it’ why.  You may not need to get to that bit.

As a parent all this may seem a huge task, but stick with it. When you see your children set up for life, because of what you have taught them, it will be worth it.

Being the ostrich and not wanting to face your change in circumstances also leads to Keeping Up Appearances. This can often happen in relationship breakups.  One partner will carry on as if nothing has changed, but their income is now stretched or even diminished.

A major life event is a very emotional time. We only have so much bandwidth in our brain to cope and quite often looking at our finances is a low priority when dealing with a myriad of other life issues.

Pulling your head out of the sand is the only way to deal with the ostrich. This can be difficult and a little humbling as your pride, self-esteem and confidence all take a hit. Having to cut back your spending (even if only temporarily) can add to the feeling of failure.

The longer you “Keep Up Appearances” the more stress you put on yourself and your family. This stress can negatively impact your health, your relationships and your ability to generate the income you need to recover.

If you feel you are either trying to Keep Up with the Joneses or Keep Up Appearances, you need to look at your numbers and take stock of where you are now. Ask yourself what small changes you could make today to stop going backwards?

You don’t want to get to the point where you are having to make obvious and significant changes; when that happens, everyone will know you have just been “Keeping Up Appearances”.

*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.