Lynda Moore asks; is your gift-giving about connection, or co-dependency?

Having just returned from a week away on holiday in Aussie, gifts have been top of mind as I wandered round the shops, looking for the perfect fridge magnet (for me), something quirky for Mum, and gifts for my friends who have walked Jett for me while I have been away. 

So, I thought I would capture those thoughts in this week’s article.

When I am working with clients on their money plan, there is always an interesting discussion about gifts. It seems to be an expense category that can catch us out in our money plan.

We think of the obvious, like birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries for our family, but there are so many other occasions that we completely miss. The birthday gifts that your kids need to take to parties. The housewarming gifts, the ‘on holiday’ gifts, and the spontaneous gift just because we feel like it.

About the birthday and Christmas gifts, it’s very easy to be transactional. The conversation goes a bit like this. “We have three kids on whom we spend about $50 at Xmas and $100 on birthdays, we spend about $100 each on us, and then we have about six other family members that we spend about $30 on for birthday and Christmas, so our gift allocation equals X (I’ll let you do the calculation here).

Then as we start looking at the numbers and talking about the money plan and values-based spending, we can hit a wall. That wall often looks like a receipt. Or a pile of carefully wrapped, curated, "perfect" gifts that nobody asked for and certainly wasn’t in our transactional number crunching.

When we dig a little deeper, the truth is rarely about the money. It’s about something much more tender; it’s about us.

Let’s move from the number crunching aspect of gifts and talk about co-dependent gift-giving.

It took me a while to see this pattern in my own life.  As a single parent, there was competitive giving and trying to ‘beat’ my daughter’s father in his gift giving, even though I often couldn’t afford to be as generous as I was being.

Then I started unpicking similar conversations with clients, especially those who see themselves as generous, loving, big-hearted givers. And they are. But when your giving is tangled up in a need to be appreciated, adored, or accepted, it can take a toll. Emotionally, financially, and relationally.

So many of us learned from a young age that love is something we earn. That care is something we show through effort, sacrifice, and spending. And that the way to feel secure in a relationship is to make ourselves indispensable through giving, doing, organising, planning, hosting, baking, wrapping, and showing up with the "perfect" thing at just the right moment.

It’s a beautiful intention. But it’s often rooted in co-dependency, not connection.

Co-dependent giving looks like…

• Spending far more than you can afford on Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, children’s party  gifts, thank-yous, and just-because, because you’re scared to disappoint someone.
• Fantasising about how someone will react to a gift and feeling crushed when their response doesn’t match the movie in your head.
• Giving gifts to try and fix or change someone ("Maybe if I buy him this book on emotional intelligence, he’ll finally get it…")
• Buying something perfect even though it blows the budget, because it just feels so them and you’re already imagining their glowing reaction.
• Saying yes to every extended family gift exchange (even when it makes you resentful), because you can’t bear to be the one who opts out.

Sound familiar?

Here's the uncomfortable truth: co-dependent gift-giving isn’t really about the other person at all. It’s about us. It’s about our discomfort with saying no. Our fear of not being liked. Our attempts to control how others see us. Our need to 'earn love' or avoid confrontation.

And when we’re operating from that place, the giving gets loaded. Gifts become emotional transactions: “I’ll spend money, time, and effort, and in return, you’ll make me feel seen, loved, valued, and appreciated.”

That’s a lot for one pair of earrings to carry. How do you know if your giving is clean, or co-dependent?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I expect a specific response? (Be honest — is this gift about getting a reaction?)
• Am I trying to change someone’s behaviour? (“If I buy him this, maybe he’ll finally show up the way I want.”)
• Does this gift serve my image? (Will they think I’m creative, thoughtful, organised, generous, the best?)
• Is this more than I can afford — but I’m doing it anyway?
• Am I giving out of guilt, obligation, or fear of conflict?

When the answer to any of those is yes, there’s an opportunity to pause and recalibrate. You’re not a bad person. You’re just human, and this is what many of us have been taught to do.

There is a cost of co-dependent giving. The financial cost is obvious: overspending, debt, stress, and guilt.

But there’s a bigger cost we don’t talk about enough. Co-dependent giving disconnects us from our own needs. It keeps us stuck in performance mode. It confuses generosity with people-pleasing, love with control, and value with sacrifice.

And it robs us of the kind of giving that actually builds connection: clean, generous, expectation-free giving that comes from a full cup, not one with a desperate need to be filled.

So, what can we do instead?

1. Eliminate “perfect” from your gift vocabulary.
    It doesn’t exist. “Perfect” is a trap that keeps us chasing approval. Good enough is good enough.

2. Reclaim your financial boundaries.
    It’s okay to stick to a budget. It’s okay to say, “We’re not doing gifts this year.” It’s okay to stop the cycle even if it ruffles feathers.

3. Notice your motivation.
    Ask yourself, “Is this gift about them… or about how I want to feel?”

4. Let go of the fantasy.
    You can’t control how someone will receive a gift. You can only choose how clean your giving is.

5. Make room for honest connection.
    Sometimes, the most loving thing you can offer isn’t a gift. It’s presence, honesty, vulnerability, or saying, “No, I can’t this year — but I’d love to spend time with you another way.”

Next time you have your gift list, ask yourself honestly:

• Is there pressure here?
• Is there fantasy?
• Is there financial strain?

And if the answer is yes, give yourself permission to edit the list. Rework the plan. Have the conversation. You’re allowed to choose connection over performance. That’s the real gift.

There are still times when I blow the gift budget for something that I know the recipient will absolutely love, and I get a real buzz from seeing their reaction. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it is no longer my predominant gift giving mode. I have just as much fun sticking to a $20.00 budget to find something quirky and fun. I really hope Mum loves the lime green socks with koalas on them …

*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.