Lynda Moore on how to keep your friendships (and your wallet) intact when money’s involved

Having learnt from experience over the years about mixing money and friendship, and it not going quite as well I would like.  It’s been really refreshing with the new friends that I have made since moving to Tasman, how clear we are about money and sharing costs.

Whoever has found the show and is doing the booking puts the price in the original ‘do you want to go’ message so we can decide whether we want to go, and whether or not it’s in our budget.  It’s not a problem to say no thanks for either reason.  We also make sure we reimburse for the booking fees as well.

When we go hiking out of town, whoever is driving gets petrol money.  We have an agreed amount; it works really well.  It’s quite nice to get a little bonus in the bank account, or some cash in the glove box.  Going out for dinner we always pay separately, the only exception to this is our birthday, the birthday girl (or boy), gets paid for.

It makes it so easy when money just isn’t an issue with friends we can relax and enjoy our very active social life together.

Maturity has taught us this.  We all have stories, whether it’s splitting the bill after dinner, lending a friend a bit of cash, or planning a group trip, about how money sneaked its way into our social lives. And while it might seem like “just money,” research shows it’s one of the biggest friendship stressors around.

A recent survey found that more than one in three people have lost a friend over money. That’s a lot of awkward silences and cancelled brunches. And even when friendships survive, the emotional tension, guilt, resentment, or embarrassment can hang in the air long after the bill’s been paid.

Why? Because money is never just about dollars and cents. Our money personality shows up, whether it’s the generous spender, who wants to pay the whole bill, because they are feeling happy.  Or the hoarder, who hangs back a bit and knows how much they have budgeted for.  To the Avoider, who will quite possibly simply forget as they head out the door chatting, closely followed by the Amasser who secretly paid the bill while no-one else was looking, just because they can.

We also know, It’s about emotion, fairness, generosity, pride, and sometimes, shame. It’s tied to how we value ourselves and others. So, when money enters a friendship, it can touch some surprisingly deep nerves.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. With a little awareness and a few healthy boundaries, it’s possible to keep both your friendships and your finances in good shape.

1. Think before you lend

We’ve all been there; a friend is in a tight spot and asks to borrow some money. Your instinct might be to help, but before you hand it over, pause for a moment.

Ask yourself: Am I okay if I never see this money again?

Because the truth is, lending to friends doesn’t always end the way we hope. People forget, situations change, and misunderstandings happen. If you can’t afford to lose the amount, or if not getting it back would damage the friendship, it might be kinder to say no.

And if you do decide to lend, talk about it. Be clear about expectations, when it’ll be repaid, how, and what happens if plans change. It might feel awkward, but having that conversation upfront saves everyone from discomfort later.

Think of it as protecting both your money and your friendship.

There is nothing worse for a friendship than seeing your friend swanning off on holiday, when they haven’t paid back the money you lent them a year ago to get them out of a sticky situation. 

2. It’s okay to ask for your money back

We often avoid these conversations because we don’t want to seem petty or make things uncomfortable. But if you’ve loaned someone a significant amount or even paid for concert tickets or accommodation on their behalf. you’re allowed to ask for it back.

The trick is in how you ask. Keep it friendly and light. A simple text like, “Hey, when you get a chance, could you flick me the $80 from dinner last week?” works perfectly. Having your friends bank account details in your saved payees, makes this easy, as soon as the confirmation message comes out about a booking, I go straight into my banking app and transfer the money.  I know if I don’t do it straight away, I’m more likely to forget.

If it’s something larger, a little context helps: “Just sorting my accounts — could you transfer that amount when you can?” I know this sounds a bit more formal, but depending on the amount, you might need to be a bit more assertive and clearer in your communication.  There’s also that old fashioned communication style called ‘talking face to face’, if you are concerned about getting the money back, and you can, try talking instead of messaging.

Remember, most people aren’t trying to take advantage. Life gets busy, and things slip through the cracks. A gentle nudge is usually all that’s needed.

3. Don’t sweat the small stuff

That $5 coffee or $8 smoothie? Let it go.

Constantly chasing friends over tiny amounts can turn generosity into tension. Friendship is meant to be a give-and-take — you buy this one, they’ll get the next. If you find yourself mentally tallying every latte, it might be worth asking why.  I know the Hoarders amongst us, can find this a little challenging, they like to keep track of things.  Whilst the spenders don’t worry about it, they figure it will sort itself out in the end.

For many of us, it’s not about the money itself but the feeling of being taken for granted. If that’s happening often, have a calm conversation about it. But otherwise, try to keep perspective, you’re buying connection, not just coffee.

4. Be upfront when splitting bills

Few things can ruin a nice meal faster than an awkward moment when the bill arrives.

One person orders the steak and a lovely Merlot to go with it; another sticks to salad and water. Then someone says, “Shall we just split it evenly?” and suddenly, no one’s quite sure what to say.

The key is to speak up early, kindly, but clearly. When you arrive and are being seated, ask about separate bills, that’s your moment: “Yes please, we’ll do separate ones.” 

It’s not rude. It’s honest. Most people will appreciate it, and it avoids that quiet resentment later.

If you’re organising the outing, set the tone by saying something like, “Let’s each pay for what we order it makes it easier for everyone.”

Technology helps here too; there are plenty of bill-splitting apps available if you do find yourself in a situation where the venue won’t do it for you.

5. Plan ahead for group trips

If splitting a dinner bill is tricky, splitting travel costs is next-level.

Group trips can be wonderful, shared memories, laughter, and that special kind of chaos that comes with travelling with friends. But they can also become a minefield of mismatched budgets, unspoken expectations, and simmering resentment if you’re not careful.

Before booking anything, talk openly about money. Agree on the type of accommodation, how costs will be shared, and when payments are due.

Not everyone wants to do everything, not just because of money, it may be fitness, or fear of heights, or you simply don’t want your holiday to be full of activities. If someone prefers cheaper options or wants to skip certain activities, respect that. Everyone’s comfort level with money is different, and no one should have to feel embarrassed about what they can or can’t afford or want to do.

A shared spreadsheet or group chat can help keep things transparent, who’s paid for what, what’s still owed, and how it’ll be settled. It’s not about being rigid; it’s about avoiding awkwardness later.

Picking your travel buddies is crucial as well.  There are some friends that make great travel companions and others that just don’t.

Money conversations with friends feel hard because they touch on some of our most vulnerable emotions, pride, guilt, generosity, and fairness.

We worry about seeming stingy or being judged. We don’t want to appear like we care too much about money. But being open about it isn’t stingy — it’s healthy.

Talking about money with kindness and clarity strengthens trust. It turns potential tension into understanding.

So, the next time that awkward “separate checks?” moment comes up, take a deep breath and remember honesty is the best currency between friends.

Friendship is worth far more than any dinner bill or borrowed $20. Also remember, it isn’t always about just paying for yourself, if a friend wants to treat you, be gracious in your acceptance, they are doing it because they want to, and doing something nice for a friend makes us feel good too.

When we mix money with friendship, a little communication goes a long way. Be clear, be kind, and be fair, and you’ll keep both your friendships and your finances intact.

Because at the end of the day, the real value isn’t in the money exchanged, it’s in the people you choose to share it with.

*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.