Lynda Moore says money conversations feel lighter and more productive when they’re grounded in understanding rather than blame

As it’s Valentines Day this weekend, I thought it would be a good opportunity to delve into love and money.  My hope is it will give you some idea’s on how best to celebrate Valentines Day with your loved one, in a way that is going to be most meaningful to them.  A card or a red rose can be appreciated very differently depending on your love language.

I’m sure you have heard of The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman). Words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts have become a familiar way to think about relationships,  and for good reason. When we understand how we give and receive love, things tend to feel easier, calmer, and more connected.

Then money enters the picture.

As we know, money has a habit of complicating things. It’s rarely just about numbers. It’s tied up with safety, effort, trust, reassurance, and sometimes control. And just like love, it can stir up feelings we don’t always expect.

When you look a little closer, your love language doesn’t just influence your relationships,  it often shapes how you spend, save, avoid, or worry about money too.

The classic love languages and spending patterns

Each love language has its own quiet pull on how money is used.

Words of affirmation
People tend to value reassurance and encouragement. Financially, this might show up as spending on books, courses, coaching, or advice, anything that helps them feel supported and on track. Tough or critical money conversations can feel especially uncomfortable, even when nothing is actually “wrong.”

Give handwritten notes, (even if they originate from Goggle, or ChatGPT), they will be vauled.  Spoken words go a long way as well.  Neither of these will break the bank.

Quality time types value shared experiences.
Their money often goes toward dinners out, weekends away, hobbies, or one-to-one support. This can be deeply enjoyable, but it can also creep up in cost if spending becomes the default way to connect. A simple and effective habit here is regular “money dates” relaxed, pressure-free time to talk things through together.

Go for a walk, turn off Netflix for the evening, and have a stay at home night with no interuptions  just talking, this will earn you lots of brownie points in the love bank account.

Physical touch is all about comfort and physical experience.
While affection itself is free, this love language can drift into spending on wellness, beauty treatments, retreats, clothing, or anything that feels good in or on the body.

As our days get busy, we can get out of the habit of giving a hug to our partner when we leave for the day, or when we come home. Spend a bit more time, and give you partner a back rub, if they’ve been sitting at a desk all day, or a foot rub if you’ve been on your feet all day. Yes, even most blokes can handle a back rub, particulary if this is their prime love language.

Acts of service people show love by doing.
With money, this often means one person takes charge, paying bills, managing the budget, planning ahead. This can be incredibly helpful, but it can also tip into imbalance if one person quietly carries everything. Support works best when responsibility is shared, not shouldered alone.

The simple of act of making a tea or coffee for your partner, speaks volumes and if that comes with scrambled eggs on toast, even better!

Receiving gifts is the love language most likely to bump into money stress.
Gifts hold meaning and emotion, which can make spending feel justified even when it stretches the budget. The goal isn’t to stop giving, it’s to keep meaning and money in proportion.

Gifts is probably the hardest love language to embrace and not spend money.  Have a look at what the second love language is, and work that into that.  For example words of affirmation, a home made card, or written note, will be as appreciated as much if not more than an expensive store bought card.

Simply noticing these patterns can ease a lot of tension. But relationships don’t stay the same forever, and neither do our needs.

According to Gary Chapman, simple acts that meet each others love languages helps keep a relationship on track.  When a relationship starts to go downhill, it’s the little things that meet our love language that have stopped.

But, when life gets heavy, love needs to shift. Psychology now recognises that love isn’t only about how we express it. It’s also about how we steady each other when life feels uncertain or stressful.

During times like illness, grief, job changes, or financial pressure, the traditional love languages may not quite cover everything. This is where a few quieter forms of connection often become important.

Co-regulation is the ability to help calm each other down. A softer tone during a money conversation. Pausing instead of reacting. Creating a sense of safety, even when you don’t agree. When this is present, financial discussions feel less charged and more workable.

Parallel play is being alone together. Sitting in the same space while each person does their own thing. From a money perspective, this matters because connection doesn’t always need to involve spending. Sometimes just sharing space is enough.

Role switching is about flexibility. In some seasons, one partner leads financially or emotionally. In others, the roles change. Relationships tend to feel steadier when people are willing to adapt rather than stay locked into fixed roles.

Time empathy is respecting different speeds. One person may want to fix money issues straight away, while the other needs time to think. Neither approach is wrong. Trust grows when both paces are treated with respect.

Awareness before action

There’s no “right” love language, and no perfect way to manage money either. Challenges usually arise when love languages go unnoticed or when spending is used to fill a gap that hasn’t been named.

Flowers won’t fix broken trust. Spending won’t replace presence. Taking over finances won’t build confidence if someone feels left out.

Things improve when curiosity replaces judgement.

Gentle actions to try

• Notice your primary love language and how it might influence your spending or avoidance
• Pay attention to how stress changes what you need, emotionally and financially
• Talk with your partner about what support actually looks like for each of you
• Ask yourself: Is this spending meeting a real need, or trying to soothe something else?

Money conversations tend to feel lighter and more productive when they’re grounded in understanding rather than blame. From there, healthier choices, for both money and relationships, come much more naturally.

I know my love languages have changed over the years.  Quality time and acts of service are pretty high on my list, so when it comes to Valentines Day, I’m pretty easy to please, going for a walk and having a great conversation will make me very happy.  And best of all, that doesn’t cost a cent.

Think about ways you can connect with your loved one, not just on Valentines Day, but every day, that doesn’t come with a price tag.

I’d love to your hear your Valentines Davy stories in the comments.

*Lynda Moore is a Money Mentalist coach and New Zealand’s only certified New Money Story® mentor. Lynda helps you understand why you do the things you do with your money, when we all know we should spend less than we earn. You can contact her here.